“The dream of love distracts us from finding the love that is ever present.” ~ John Welwood
Many of us are struggling in our relationships and feeling pain in our wounded hearts. We may feel confused, frustrated or heartbroken and wonder how to feel more connected, grounded and alive in loving relationship with others.
If we believe we are a divided self, we are always searching for happiness outside of ourselves, mostly because we can’t feel and get in touch with the feeling of love within our bodies and hearts. A new love can temporarily stimulate happiness through getting what we hoped for. For a brief time, our grasping for what we want slows down. In the absence of grasping, our deeper being naturally shines forth and that is the experience of happiness.
As we wake up to what is true in our lives, we may begin to discover that we are not separate from each other and our world. We are always connected to a loving energy that connects all of us. Awakened relating means that we relate to others with this body-informed understanding. The practice of this understanding in our relationships awakens our heart and opens new dimensions of intimacy, communication and sexuality.
Somatic awakened relating teaches us to rely on our deeper nature, allowing the essence of our shared being to be a loving, compassionate presence in relationship that can support us when resolving relational issues.
The word relating is important because it refers to an ongoing, living dynamic within one interconnected whole. The word relationship can conjure up a static thing experienced between two people. Awakened relating includes conscious relationship, but within the context of undivided love.
You are the love you seek.
At any time, we can connect to the energy of love from an infinite source that flows into and through us. Therefore we are already the love we seek.
Take a moment to reflect on this statement.
What if you truly knew and felt this, through direct knowing beyond doubt. Feel into how knowing that would change the way you are in relationship. Close your eyes and consider this.
Looking for love in others is familiar. We may deeply fear that something valuable will be lost when by letting go of the familiar and venturing into a deeper truth.
We don’t lose the romantic love that we are familiar with when we are awake, we just lose our grasping for it, our attachment to it.
You are the love you seek.
As you contemplate this statement:
What happens in your body?
Is there a tension or a deeper relaxation?
Is there fear or doubt? Is there resistance?
If so, how is the resistance showing up?
Is there an experience of peace, well-being or freedom?
Just notice what arises without judgement. Write down some insights and discuss with your partner.
Being with Relational Wounding
This is an invitation to be with a feeling that comes up frequently when in your relationship. Sit with the reaction that comes up or think about the last time it occurred.
Be willing to sit with the trigger without analyzing or thinking about it.
Drop the story and feel your body. What do you notice?
Be aware of sensations and feelings such as constriction, tension, anxiousness, numbness, sadness, or anger.
If the feelings or sensations are strong, notice what places in the body feel good or neutral, such as the bottom of your feet or the tips of your fingers.
Focus on what feels good or neutral. This supports the nervous system to be with an activating experience. You may want to ask someone to sit with you while you are being with the reaction.
If you can, be aware of the underlying awareness that is noticing it all. This awareness can notice what is pleasant and what is not pleasant all at the same time.
Notice if you can accept yourself in this moment, just as you are.
This is love meeting your wounded parts that long to be soothed. Allow love to touch these places with the tenderness of unconditional acceptance.
Go slowly and softly and know that you are meeting the younger part while doing this and learning more about what you need as an individual.
Notice the times when you blame your partner for a conflict that arises in relationship. Turn the finger of blame into self-responsibility by pointing it back to yourself. Even it it is small, there is a part that you played. Notice what aspect of your consciousness participated in creating the conflict.
Was it unresolved relational wounding?
Was it holding on to a belief?
Was it a projection of an unwanted part of yourself onto your partner?
Was it an unconscious unmet need?
Often the source of our part of the conflict is unconscious. This can require deeper contemplation.
Our feelings, bodily sensations and relational patterns are clues to what is held in our unconscious. So it is important to be present to them.
If there is resistance to looking at yourself and taking responsibility, be present with the manifestations of that – contractions in the body, feelings, and fixed thoughts or stories. All of this experience gives us a strong sense of a separate self in opposition to what is.
Notice the awareness in which all of this is occurring, including your sense of self, and allow the whole thing to be as it is. In a way, conflict gives us an opportunity to awaken out of the conditioning that creates conflict and the creator of conflict – the separate self.
I invite you to reach out to your partner when they activate one of your relational wounds. Providing it feels safe enough, and they are not activated themselves, you can ask them to support you in being with the reaction. Instead of lashing out, or holding back, you can try asking – can you just sit with me while I allow myself to be with this reaction?
Nothing needs to be done, they can just sit and be present with you, hold your hand or offer touch on your back or shoulder, whatever is supportive or non-intrusive. They can also remind you to rest in the deeper relief that is always here in whatever that you are temporarily moving through.
This is taking full responsibility for what activates you, knowing truly it is not about the other person. Courage and humility are needed to respond in this way. This can also feel very vulnerable. The younger part may want to move away, into or against the reaction. Our true identity has space for allowing the reaction to unfold in loving presence. This is most healing when it happens in relationship with loving support.
With support, just allow the activation to move through your body-mind while you continue to rest into the present moment, dropping down out of any story about what is happening. Feel the sensations and emotions directly in the body, until the clarity and presence of being opens up again naturally. then you can respond to your partner with love and wisdom, if you wish.
The dissatisfaction we feel when our search for happiness in relationship does not work as we hoped it would can be a gift. It can point us to the true source of lasting happiness. We all want lasting happiness, and need to acknowledge that happiness is inconsistent in relationship with others. Sometimes we are happy with our partner and sometimes we are not. This can change from day-to-day and moment-to-moment.
If we are open and pay attention, we can begin to understand that we are looking for lasting love and happiness in the wrong place – it cannot be found in these changing circumstances. Our discontent is telling us to look for a deeper, permanent source of love within.
When we start to believe that there is something missing in our relationships, we can begin to look outside our mind and compulsive thoughts.
In every moment there is always a choice.
- We can believe our thoughts—or take a breath.
- We can think about a better future—or open lovingly to what’s happening right now.
- We can stay stuck in the rut of robotic patterns—or shift to expanded consciousness and relax into infinite possibilities.
I love being present. I love being alive to feelings and sensations. I love feeling the vibration of my body when emotions are moving through me, and the deep relationships that are possible without fear and defensiveness.
We can all be gripped by conditioned patterns – and we can also fully understand that a choice is possible. We wake up into being conscious in the moments of our lives.
We feel into the limitation that patterns and roles in relationships bring us. We become aware of how much the mind judges ourselves and others. And we answer the call of the heart into something greater.
Thoughts are limiting—and awareness encompasses everything and all.
Thoughts are repetitive and negative—and directly engaging with life allows unlimited possibilities.
It doesn’t matter how many times you miss the opportunity to choose—because there is always another one. Every moment is fresh and alive.
Open to whatever you encounter in yourself and in your relationships with the deepest welcoming and an overflowing heart.
When we’ve been in a relationship for many years and have many responsibilities, we fall into fixed roles and habitual patterns that can deaden the feelings of love that were present when you first met one another and begin your lives together.
The neurobiology of your brain feels as though you know each other already – from many years of being together – and it’s important to know that there is much more to learn and wonder about each other within your relationship together.
What you are missing is the opportunity to pay close attention to your partner and ask questions about what they are feeling and thinking, rather than jumping to habitual conclusions and feeling angry or frustrated – based on familiarity and past history.
Every couple will have conflict – and it’s very important when you feel threatened – not to threaten your partner (by saying you want to leave, for example) – but to share that you feel threatened and want to find a way to work through what’s happening between both of you.
When we avoid conflict or don’t share our feelings with other, our brains perceive this as a threat – and we don’t feel safe.
What happens when we don’t feel safe?
We shut down, we fight, we want to run away – and we may feel numb – and can’t communicate with one another.
When there is a conflict, here are some steps to take within yourself:
1. Slow down, close your eyes and begin aware of what you notice in your body.
2. Become aware of what you need – specifically, your emotional needs – these are your needs and they are important – then begin to share them with your partner.
3. What is your resentment or frustration? Can you practice softening the grip on it. Close your eyes and notice the feeling of your back against a chair, bed or couch.
4. You have the right to be you and the other person has the right to be themselves.
Be aware that our memory is faulty – especially when we are trying to prove who is right or wrong. Our perceptions are constantly shifting and being altered.
Spend time eye-to-eye and face-to-face – really looking at your partner and noticing what is going on with them. Ask them questions about what they are thinking and feeling – not by text, phone or in the car – actually in-person and face-to-face. This is how we can feel more regulated within our nervous systems.
It’s a decision to be in a committed relationship.
Are you committed to protecting each other and having each others’ backs from the what is outside the walls of your home and in your life?
What do you need to know in order to do this as best you can?
Here are some questions to consider, individually and together, as a couple:
1. What is it that you most deeply want from your partner?
2. What do you most deeply fear will happen to you in this relationship?
3. How do you react when you are hurt or threatened? (fight, flight or flee – anxious, withdrawn, isolate)
4. How have you fallen into fixed roles and ways of relating to each other? What are they?
5. Do you know what you need from your partner – and can you ask for what you really need?
Take some time over a period of days or weeks – maybe 30-60 minutes per day or week- to go over these answers by yourself and together – and feel free to reach out for support at any time.
Together, we will learn more about:
– Your habitual relational interaction cycle
– What do you notice in your body when you communicate with an open heart?
– What do you notice in your body when you feel scared, overwhelmed or threatened?
– What is your blame / response / communication cycle?
– Who’s responsible for you in your relationship?
– What do you fear most?
– What are you tolerating in your relationship?
Most of us have fallen into habitual patterns that we learned unconsciously from our family of origin. It’s never too late to become more aware, take part in a healing process and begin to relate to each other from a deeper place in your body and heart.
This is an embodied invitation for you to slow down and feel the strength of a supportive resource, begin to heal your early developmental, relational wounding, move beyond blame and notice how our nervous system states inform our interactions with our partner.
Allow yourself to feel present in your body, unwind patterns of anxiety, depression, anger, hopelessness, chronic stress & pain, trauma, regulate your nervous system, to cultivate trust in your moment-to-moment experience, your naturally wise heart, and your capacity to connect to yourself, those you love and the love that surrounds us.
I support individuals and couples towards healing relational wounding patterns, along with the painful, long-held trauma patterns held in their bodies, minds and hearts. I can support you and your partner towards healing and relating to one another in new and fresh ways, so your relationship can feel more alive.
Get in touch to learn more about heart healing sessions and a supportive healing process for you and your partner.
I look forward to being with you.
sending wholehearted love, Kim xoxoxo
email@example.com / www.kimcochrane.ca
Whole Body Health & Well-Being from the Inside Out.
Deep healing at the level of the nervous system enables you to explore and expand your inner landscape where self – confidence and inner agency reside. When you heal your nervous system, you can more readily access deeper ways of knowing and being that include intuition, imagination, sensuality, and the subtle body of emotions.
Get in touch to learn more about working with me – firstname.lastname@example.org / www.kimcochrane.ca
What to Expect During a Whole Body Health Somatic Practice Co-Regulating Touch Bodywork for Trauma Session
For true emotional and physical healing, we can’t leave our body and how it feels and responds, out of the process. Each person needs something very specific in their healing journey, which is why it is so important to have a customized approach with sessions that are specifically tailored for you – a combination of emotionally-focused psychotherapy and body-focused Co-Regulating Touch Bodywork for Trauma.
Your body doesn’t have energy – it is energy. When we allow traumatic stress that is contained in our nervous system to begin to move through our system – flow begins to happen in our body and we feel more energetic, grounded, healthy and alive.
We explore our fluid bodies through the language of sensation, co-regulating touch,and subtle movement. We have the opportunity of allowing time to slow down, to notice, let go and shed that which needs to shed, and to come through anew and refreshed.
For those who would like to focus on a body-focused, somatic approach, we begin by talking about your background, symptoms and history. We do this online and or in-person by sitting in chairs across from each other or you lie on your back on a table. When you are sitting in a chair, we can do some talk therapy, and you may also be asked if you are open to closing your eyes and noticing your feelings, emotions and body sensations that are happening for you in each moment.
For those who would like to do Co-Regulating Touch Bodywork for Trauma Session – sessions consist of lying on a table with eyes closed – and I offer touch on several areas of the body: the head, stress organs, the belly, and joints in the body.
Sessions are done fully clothed. Each session is one-hour, unless we are doing an extended session – and is unique depending on what you are experiencing on that day and would like to focus on during a session – we want to tune in and understand what’s really going on in your body – beyond pathology and diagnoses – to allow your body to move into a flow state, rather than to remain stuck in a stress response state – during the session and in the hours and days afterwards.
NEW Offering – Heart Healing Sessions – Heart healing sessions are all about you, your path and healing. It is about several sessions scheduled over a period of days to support you along your healing path.
My clients love this work, it is nourishing and gentle. It is wonderful for healing early developmental trauma, attachment repair and shifting to a more regulated place where the heart can freely open into abundance.
You may want to schedule these sessions as a focused time for letting go of all that you healing. Heart Healing sessions consist of combining several sessions over a short period of time. They are a great way to get out of your daily routine and be immersed in healing. We may meet for multiple sessions per day over 2-4 days. Since you will be out of your typical routine, this will give plenty of time for integration of the work and healing.
The Heart Healing Sessions are held in my office in Markham. You can schedule between 2-4 sessions over a period of days. Since this work is done away from your typical day to day life, integration of the work is deep and truly transformative.
I am sending softness, gentleness and love from my heart to yours. May you slow down and receive the wisdom your body is seeking to share with you breath by breath.
Let’s plan your sessions in advance – if you are interested in scheduling or have questions, please get in touch and we will make a plan for your visit. email@example.com / www.kimcochrane.ca
OFFERING – The Safe & Sound Protocol (SSP) is an auditory intervention for adults and children – using headphones – that is intended to accelerate the effectiveness of other modalities by preparing the client’s emotional and physiological state. Dr. Stephen Porges (developer of The Safe & Sound Protocol & of The Polyvagal Theory) explains that we need a calm autonomic/physiological state for health, growth and restoration, and achieving this becomes the foundation of an effective therapy. The Safe & Sound Protocol is a way to support a change in your physiological state; opening the system to further neural change and improvement for other therapies that follow. The process is designed to reduce stress and auditory sensitivity while enhancing social engagement and resilience. The intervention uses prosodic vocal music that has been filtered to train the middle ear muscles to focus in on the frequency envelope of human speech. You’ll find you are better able to feel calm – less chronically stressed and/or anxious. Clients who have experienced long-held trauma and are healing from PTSD, troubling chronic health concerns, chronic pain and troubling chronic emotional responses, can experience an increased sense of safety in their physiological state.
Other Offerings – Nurture Surround Healing Session– 90-minute In-Person session. Allow yourself to slow down and experience deep healing. You are deeply supported on the table with weighted blankets, soft pillows and bean bags on your body – you choose what is most comfortable for you – providing soft, nurturing care – feeling supported and held – with choice. We will take time to attune to your body’s core needs and comfort at a deep level. Your needs are important. I will use a variety of touch skills with you – and invite you to place a hand wherever you would like to on your body – and to pause, slow down and notice what you feel.
Using mind-body skills to stabilize your nervous system – befriending, grounding, slowing down, tracking and resourcing. We will listen to your body’s narrative while utilizing body-mind emotion dialogue. We will explore biological survival strategies and process historical trauma by creating moment-to-moment interpersonal experiences of safe connection. We will utilize non-cognitive senses of relational connection – auditory, visual, movement, and touch – co-creating manageable ways to defuse internal feelings of pressure, anxiety and stress.
Healing Codependent Patterns in Relationships – healing through the body for codependent patterns in relationships – healing from resentment, blame, shame and addictive patterns – nurturing your inner child – learning your needs in relationships – and finding ease in the body, mind and heart for longstanding conditioned patterns.
Uncover and Heal Family Trauma Imprint – in-person or online Zoom session – an opportunity to get to the roots of intergenerational trauma patterns & begin a path towards relational & relationship healing.
Discover Your Inner Mother – Healing the Mother Wound – uncover your hidden family dynamics and trauma history – this is an opportunity to strengthen your internal relationship with your inner your self – as well as your mother, father and extended family – in ways that contribute to healing – get in touch to schedule an online or in-person session – firstname.lastname@example.org / www.kimcochrane.ca
Somatic Body Learning & Practice and Somatic Experiencing Trauma Co-Regulating Touch Bodywork for Trauma sessions are available for you now. Waking you up to Somatic Resilience & Regulation – the innate wisdom of your body, healing inherited, ancestral and pre & peri natal trauma patterns, feeling yourself below the level of thought, and accessing your full beingness in flowing, fluid motion.
Get in touch to learn more about The Safe & Sound Protocol (SSP), Embodied Recovery, Nurture Surround & Family Systems Imprint Sessions & Individual Body-Focused Therapy Sessions, and Co-Regulating Touch Bodywork for Trauma, NeuroAffective Touch – The Anxiety, Stress & Trauma Restorative Clinic – in-person and/or online – and to set up a time to work together: email@example.com
The Anxiety, Stress & Trauma Restorative Clinic:
Creating Well-Being Through Nervous System Regulation.
Heal Relational Trauma – Break the Cycle of Inherited Family Trauma.
Nurturing Connection, Restoration & Building Resilience.
Easing the Body ~ Calming the Mind ~ Opening the Heart.
Somatic Experiencing ~ Somatic Practices ~ Co-Regulating Touch Bodywork for Trauma ~ Movement Practices ~ Whole Body Systems Approach for Healing Inflammation.
Somatic work can be done effectively online, as well as in person – online sessions are available for those who would prefer not to come in to the office at this time, for those who live far away from the office, or prefer to work from your own home – firstname.lastname@example.org
Working together enables everyone who is willing to do the work an opportunity to decrease feelings of anxiety, pain, depression, chronic stress, pain or illness – as well decrease the chatter in the mind, and ground your mind and body with the depth of the intelligence found in the body. Experience lasting somatic transformation and feelings of calm, peace and wholeness – within your own body and within your relationships.
You will learn to feel and by doing so, you will move towards whole body health and well-being that you can feel within you.
email@example.com / www.kimcochrane.ca
What would your life be like if you could move through and process your struggle and connect with your life energy – the energy of joy, wonder and the vitality of being truly alive?