The Unspoken Negative Contracts in Your Relationships.
“The enemy of a love is never outside, it’s not a man or a woman, it’s what we lack in ourselves.” ~ Anaïs Nin
All of our relationships with others can be viewed as contracts. Contracts create boundaries that define and maintain acceptable relational behaviour patterns. The contract of a relationship is made up of unstated, usually unconscious agreements with each other, including what each person will and won’t say and do.
Healthy, positive relationships are interdependent and have clearly established contracts of honesty, support, and caring between them. There is plenty of room for self-expression, creativity and freedom, as well as healthy care and concern for each other. Positive contracts promote the growth of each person involved.
Codependent, negative relationships are created through unhealthy contracts that limit, block, trap, control and sometimes intimidate each person involved. Creativity, personal expression and personal freedom are blocked, along with the natural growth of each person.
We are all creating positive and negative relationship contracts all the time – most of the time these contracts are unconscious and work automatically.
The areas of our lives that flow smoothly and fulfill us are the areas that we have created positive contracts with others, based on mutual, positive beliefs. In areas where we are challenged, we create negative contracts. We behave in certain ways that reflect a limited view of reality.
The primary reason for these contracts is to avoid certain feelings and experiences that we do not want to have. With our negative relationship contracts, we freeze our life energies and also freeze a lot of creative energy within us too.
Underlying a negative relationship contract is not only our fear of life experience, but also an unconscious, negative belief about how the world is.
Contracts, once they are set up between two people, are in motion and they remain in motion, until they are changed or broke. Each time a negative contract is fulfilled, it serves to strengthen the negative attitude about life, and the reality that it supports. These negative beliefs grow stronger and limit us more in life each time we circle around them through another negative experience.
We habitually make the same type of contract with many people. The healing process involves uncovering and dissolving all of the negative contracts that exist in your life. As the negative contracts and patterns are cleared through personal process work and hands-on healing, your existing actions and behaviour patterns are replaced with positive, new patterns.
A typical negative contract begins in childhood between a parent and a child, especially if there are challenges or hardships in the family.
Here’s a personal process example that you can use to help you determine the steps in your negative contract:
If I Do/Don’t – If I do take care of Mom.
He/She Will/Won’t – She will love me.
Unconscious Belief – I have to take care of Mom in order for her to love me.
Underlying Emotion – Fear of being alone and unlovable.
Immediate Emotional Cost – I take care of Mom, but I don’t really get her love in the way I need it.
Supported Negative Belief – Relationships suck energy and don’t really fulfill my needs.
Other Areas of Life Affected – I pay for love everywhere in other forms – by giving money, buying gifts, by giving personal time.
True Emotional Cost – I am tired of this burden. I avoid relationships. The price is too high.
To get out of a negative belief pattern, you must take the chance of challenging your negative belief and facing a result you fear. You must reverse the behaviour that is dictated from your unconscious belief.
After some personal processing around negative beliefs and specific negative relationship contracts, you can begin to understand that:
You are lovable, love is everywhere and love has no price.
Have you ever noticed that in order to be with certain people, you have to play a certain role or be a certain way? This is a sign of a negative contract.
When you are around some people, you feel that you can be yourself completely – that you don’t have to hide anything or convince them of anything. You know that they will honestly tell you whatever they think in a given situation, even if you don’t like it.
This is a sign of a positive contract.
In order to change your relationship contracts, you can learn how to be more conscious of your interactions with others and the unconscious beliefs that are creating your relationships as they are.
You can begin to understand your own feelings, and the energies flowing through you that you may or may not want to feel. You really can’t make anyone love you, no matter what you do. Love flows naturally from people who can love. It’s a gift of life.
If you want to release negative contracts in your own life, and to allow new energies to flow within you – let me know.
Allow yourself to feel everything – the love that is always flowing in your life, and the expansion of love into all areas of your life.
love Kim, xo.
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