Relationships – Transforming Fear, Blame & Anger.
“You are none other than me with another face & another name.” Zen saying.
If you are struggling in your relationship, use this insight to remind yourself to go easy on your partner and yourself.
When struggling with blame and anger in your relationship, ask yourself, are you open to change?
In order for change to happen, you must be open.
Am I ready to slow down, get quiet, and understand myself in this relationship?
For both of you to surrender the negative cycle in your relationship, so that something new can arise.
Something other than blaming the other person for their behaviour or actions.
When you turn the mirror towards yourself, what do you see?
Open space to remember the love that brought you together in the first place, and move towards creating something new together.
Your reactive mind keeps you focused on protecting yourself from your partner – in an ongoing series of fear-based reactions like blame and anger – that only strengthen the veils of of illusion, delusion and attachment between you.
It’s very likely that your fear-based reactions and interactions will elicit fear-based reactions from the other person too, so the misunderstanding and conflict keeps repeating itself in a never-ending, painful cycle.
The next time you become reactive and judgmental towards your partner or their thoughts, feelings and behaviours, ask yourself if there anything about this person that reminds me of myself? (or my worst fears about myself).
Maybe that’s why I’m judging them so harshly.
Fear reduces your ability to respond with a spacious sense of patience, openness, and compassion in your relationship.
In the midst of ongoing conflict, it may be difficult to slow down and change course.
That’s why most couples benefit from some extra help.
Open yourself to a mindful, spacious new conversation with your partner.
When we are willing to listen to ourselves and to our partner with an empathetic ear – we become more able to meet pain, discomfort, and loneliness with awareness, instead of fear.
The more we open ourselves towards others, instead of holding back in fear, the more it will be reflected back as an increased capacity for happiness and even love.
Practice – Explore Mindful Spaciousness in the Midst of Conflict:
Close your eyes, breathe, and pause, and begin by extending patience and kindness towards yourself for your willingness to do this practice. No one is perfect, so embrace yourself with patience, openness and compassion. If you don’t start with compassion for yourself, it will be more difficult to extend it to others.
Consider the conflict that you are experiencing; envision the details of it, including what each of you might say, your tone of voice, body language and even the details of the environment around you.
As you do this, become aware of your reactions. Notice them, and name them as they occur, be sure to note the thoughts, feelings, and sensations – everything from wanting to interrupt, needing to be right, thinking about your response, breaking eye contact, shortness of breath, or a tight jaw. Just name all of your feelings and thoughts, and let them all go, allow the while remaining connected to your breath. Do this for several minutes and take some time to consider the following:
What did you notice when you remained connected to your breath and placed your awareness on your reactions and naming them?
Did you notice a shift in how you were thinking and feeling as you stayed focused on your breathing? What sort of changes did you notice and how did that feel?
Did you notice any change in your thoughts and feelings about the other person?
I hope this practice allowed new awareness to arise within you.
When we struggle in our relationships, most of us don’t know what to do. We usually keep it to ourselves and hope it will improve on its own, but most of the time, it doesn’t. We can almost always benefit from some extra help.
If you’re interested in private sessions with me, where we focus on you and your relationship, please get in touch. Sessions are available in-person or by Skype – and can be very useful for unraveling conditioned patterns that you take to be true and discovering that you can live from your true essence in your relationship, in a way that is already whole, peaceful, and at ease.
Next week, discover how to bring the practice of patience, openness and compassion to your relationships, every single day.