Why Striving to Be ‘Good’ May Leave You Feeling Empty & Drained
You may be a striver – you want to please, aim for perfection, and feel that you don’t need support.
Not to worry, you say, I’m ok.
This is a good thing, right?
For everyone that knows you, YES – your boss, your kids, your partner, your family, your co-workers – but, for you, unfortunately NO.
‘Good’ girls get rewarded for their ‘good’ deeds, so it’s hard to see how this way of being in the world may not be serving you very well.
The ‘good’ girl pattern starts young – at home and at school.
At home – your parents tell you that you’re mature – that you don’t need support from them, and you begin to be a support FOR them. You may also be supportive with your siblings and take responsibility with chores around the house.
The accolades for your ‘good girl’ behaviour begin – and you like how it feels to be praised for being good, self-sufficient, and for not needing anything or anyone. You are aiming for perfection and praise in everything you do – and this sustains you. For a while.
At school – you get your homework done on time, even ahead of time, and you do extra work for bonus marks. Maybe you skipped a grade, were a straight ‘A’ student and tutored your friends, siblings and other students. Then, you went on to continue to achieve at college, university and in the workplace.
You get used to people praising you for your behaviours.
As you become an adult, you begin to notice that you’re carrying a lot of responsibilities – work, kids, partner, family members – you’ve created a world where you’re needed, but aren’t allowed to be NEEDY in any way. Not that you would want to. You really don’t know how to be.
Without realizing it, you’re living the ‘good’ girl pattern – taking care of others, situations, and responsibilities – without demonstrating any needs, vulnerabilities or attention for yourself.
You may begin to feel anxious, stressed, depressed, or angry- and instead of paying attention, you push those feelings away – and just keep going.
You may feel that there’s no other choice – you have so many other people to think of, right?
From time to time, you may notice that something feels like it’s missing, but instead of paying close attention to yourself, you may commit more deeply to a person or situation that needs you.
You may feel neglected – and you are. By you. You are not seen or understood as someone who has needs, is vulnerable and can’t always think of others first.
Mutual, connected relationships require vulnerability, emotional honesty, truth and openness – and ‘good girls’ often don’t learn how share this way. Their needs don’t matter as much as their achievements, how well they hold themselves together, and how much they help others who need them.
This may be a new perspective for you. Learning about your ‘good girl’ patterns will help you begin to recognize your own needs and the empty spaces inside that exist because you have not paid attention to them.
Stop. Pay attention.
We will unwind and understand your patterns together – and allow you to understand your needs, voice them to others and fill the empty spaces inside with mutually co-created relationships and situations that feed YOU.
Now is the time to allow yourself to be supported.
Contact me for a free 15-minute consultation – and learn how I can support you.
[email protected] or 647 222-3086