An intimate relationship is a loving shared by two solitudes.

We all struggle at some point in our lives with concerns and questions about our intimate relationships.

Many of us are surprised to learn that the welfare of the individual (both individuals in a relationship) is more important than the welfare of the relationship.

How so?

The relationship itself is not the goal – rather it serves as a vehicle for individual growth. The relationship is a garden and the individuals are plants in that garden.

True intimacy grows as partners open up and reveal themselves to each other. By doing so, they discover more and more about themselves and each other. By moving out of playing certain roles in the relationship and in the world, each person becomes more individuated (more than actual true selves), and it becomes possible, more and more, to have a person to person relationship – where each persons’ individuality is more visible and present.

The tools of intimacy are honesty and openness. In order to be truly intimate, each person in the relationship must agree to reveal their processes, ideas, and feelings to the other, as spontaneously as possible. Holding back or suppressing thoughts or emotions in a relationship, restricts the very intimacy and closeness that we long for.

Both people in a relationship are fully responsible for themselves. This frees up each person from blaming the other for ‘making’ them feel a certain way – there are no victims in an intimate relationship – we are each responsible for making sense of our own feelings and emotions, and can ask for support or help in many ways, if we don’t understand how to do this for ourselves. Even though one does not cause the feelings of the other – each can be sensitive to the others’ pain, anger, jealousy and sadness.

In a primary, intimate relationship, partners agree that their relationship is the main focus of their intimacy – intimacies with others must be shared within the primary relationship, so that there are no pockets of experience that are not included in the primary relationship.

Creating and allowing space in a relationship is an important ingredient in the development and maintenance of an intimate relationship. Defenses and blockages can emerge from one or both partners – and each person can allow themselves to acknowledge judgements, feelings and intentions – to create an atmosphere where each person can be revealed without blaming the other. Each person much share in this process, and begin to let go of all the unspoken feelings that are happening in the relationship.

Expectations of one another will likely happen – and partners should share their expectations of one another – rather than expecting that each person should already know and anticipate that those expectations exist.

Each person becomes defined by setting boundaries and limitations – each person becomes more and more revealed as desires and expectations are expressed.

A truly intimate relationship will encourage and nurture all experiences that are necessary for the fullest expression of each person. Often, what stimulates growth in one person, will feel threatening to another. Welcome this into your relationship – face your fears together, do not hold your feelings and emotions back – when you do, you will move through what is arising feeling stronger as individuals and within the relationship.

As intimacy deepens, each person becomes more deeply known to themselves and to each other, and they develop a quality of mindful presence. Intimacy is enhanced when each person agrees to be as present as possible in the company of each other – sharing all feelings and thoughts as they arise, rather than suppressing them.

Curiosity allows intimacy to deepen – ask yourself and share with your partner – are you willing to get curious with your partner in a new way?

Allow yourself to wade into the waters of uncertainty together – in an effort to become more intimate, more known to yourself and to each other – and break away from the roles that might be constraining you and your relationship?

Allowing this mindful process into your relationship is a big shift in itself, and can create a sense of freedom and spaciousness in the relationship, that has not been there in the past.

Want to know more about creating a more mindful, intimate, loving and spacious relationship?

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In peace,
xoK.

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