Pointing fingers – both are right, both are wrong.

We are all full of flaws and different from each other – each one of us searching for certainty, and something to hang on to.

Certain ways of protecting ourselves push us away from each other, even when we long for closeness, connection & aliveness.

Self-protective defenses come out more strongly, the closer we get to someone. Old feelings become triggered in ways we don’t necessarily expect and aren’t completely conscious of.

What’s happening for you right now, just beneath the surface – just outside of your conscious awareness?

That’s where the truth lies.

The many ways we get hurt in our lives shape our defenses – negative and painful past experiences leave us on guard as adults, and our defenses warn us not to trust ourselves or someone else. Or, we may feel as though we need to hang on for dear life to something that may not feel quite right, just because we may feel as thought we will be abandoned at any minute.

The key to thriving in our relationships is getting to know and to challenge our defenses. The ways in which we protect and defend, rather than bond and draw someone in closer, in all of our vulnerability.

Instead of focusing on our partners’ flaws – focus on our own limitations – what is being stirred in us as we lash out in blame towards our partner?

We only have awareness and power over ourselves, and we are the only person we can actually change.

There’s a tremendous amount of freedom in realizing that neither person is to blame for the feelings of the other. Neither person is responsible for the other – and neither is obligated to the other.

Our freedom lies in knowing that if you come together in a relationship, it’s because you both choose to, by your own free will and desires.

When you become genuinely curious about yourself, and about your partner, your relationship can flourish without either having to feel guilty or blamed for what does or does not transpire.

If you aren’t trying to control each other, but can instead have a genuine interest in each other – feelings of aliveness can flow and be revealed. When you become caught up in control and domination, the possibilities for intimacy and connection decrease significantly.

Prejudices, interpretations and our ways of organizing the world, get in the way, and prevent us from knowing one another. We only know our version of the other person. By sharing our fixed ideas and preconceptions about ourselves and each other, we can reveal the truth of each other.

Notice when you lash out to your partner, and instead, turn the lens on yourself, and wonder:

What do you feel when you slow down and stay with the feelings that arise within you?

What sensations am I feeling right now?

Is it possible that I am misperceiving my partner through the filter of my critical awareness?

Am I projecting negative characteristics from my early caregivers onto my partner?

You can only gain awareness of and change your part in your relationship equation – and that gives you a lot of power.

What parts of you need to be seen and understood, so that you may feel more comfortable in your own skin in your relationship?

Notice – with curiosity – when you want to move away from and defend yourself against your partner.

Then, practice moving towards your partner with patience, openness and compassion.

It’s a practice.

Are you ready to begin? To commit to being truly present for yourself and in your relationship?

Allow yourself to be fully seen & deeply heard by a compassionate guide.

love Kim, xo.

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